Taking Responsibility and Owning My Feelings

purple fairy

This life. This life is such an incredible journey. How blessed am I to be here right now? I am so full of gratitude right now for my life. Just for simple being alive and for all of my life experiences. I find myself feeling more gratitude then ever these days. Even though lately I’ve been have been going through a very rough patch with my job, I am still grateful that I have a job that allows me to take time off when needed, and has great benefits.

One of the things that I am most grateful for these days is that I feel I am becoming more and more honest with myself. It never occurred to me that I was dishonest person, until the last couple of years where I have had to really face that fact that I had created situations in my life that were incredibly unhealthy. I was lying to myself before. I used to blame everything on everyone else. I wasn’t able to see that I helped create these relationships and situations. I would play the victim. It’s still an ongoing process, but I can say that it’s been quite the journey that will never end. The thing I am learning about being honest with myself is that it’s like an onion. Once you shed one layer of lies, there is another one right underneath. It brings new meaning to the expression: You can never be too honest.

It’s quite humbling to realize that I have a long journey ahead of me. Perhaps this sounds daunting, but it really isn’t. This is quite simply life. I am always taking new roads on this journey, and I will forever be learning about myself. It’s my favourite pursuit! I don’t mean this in an egotistical way, but I suppose the ego will always be involved on some level, haha.

The thing is, once I think I have it all figured out, a new situation arises that forces me to look at something about myself that I did not notice before. For example, for most of my life I bottled up my anger. When I got angry with someone I would not say a word and I would keep it all inside. Sometimes the bottle would become uncorked and I would end getting really upset with the person and telling them how I felt, but usually I would just keep it all inside. Then I went through phase where I tried to communicate how I was feeling with that person in a loving and gentle way. This went alright sometimes, but I felt that there was still anger there and I was not permitting myself to be authentic. I don’t think it’s okay to be abusive towards people, but I now feel like it’s okay to let people when you are angry. Even just saying “I’m angry right now,” really makes everything so much better for myself. I am not telling a person that they are making me angry, I am not getting angry at the person, I am just simply owning my anger. I will no longer pretend to be something I am not.This goes with all my wide spectrum of emotions.

Interestingly, I find it most challenging and vulnerable to tell someone that I love them or the joy that I feel when I spend time with them. It’s kind of unfortunate that this is the most challenging thing for me to express, but this comes from years of situations that were unhealthy. I am working on it, and I am quite optimistic that I am feeling more comfortable being vulnerable. It’s a bit of a slow process, but I’m okay with that. I think being gentle with myself is the key here.

I had this misconception that if I meditated all the time, if I read spiritual books every day, if I prayed all the time, if ate a special diet and if I listened to inspirational teachings on the regular, that I would become this super positive and happy person that would radiate light all the time and make everyone feel special and happy. Well, that really hasn’t been working out for me. That’s maybe just not the person that I am. Self-acceptance is so important to me right now. It’s a big part of being honest with myself. I experience pretty much the whole gambit of emotions on any given day, and that’s just fine by me. No more suppressing these feelings. They have to move and flow.

I used to have this idea that a healer or light-worker had to be a certain way. I’m starting to understand that everyone is a healer  and a light-worker in their own unique way and that there is no model to follow. Everyone is drawn to who they are meant to be interacting with at any given moment. If you find yourself attracting unhealthy people or situations in your life, it’s important to take responsibility for that and to understand why this is happening. Sometimes the answer is difficult to digest, but it’s certainly worth chewing on.

When I don’t like what I am creating in my life, or I don’t like how I am feeling, I do my best to take action right away. A part of this process for me has become allowing myself to express my emotions, hopefully in a healthy manner. This release allows me to move forward and onto a different feeling. When I don’t like a situation I find myself in, I now give myself permission to remove myself from it. Perhaps I helped create it, but that doesn’t mean I have stay in it.  Also, it’s been super important for me to learn that I don’t have to stay in relationships and friendships that are unhealthy or abusive.

This life is truly amazing, and I can’t wait to look back on this in a year from now and find myself in a totally different place.

Happy travels everyone!

xo Erin

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7 thoughts on “Taking Responsibility and Owning My Feelings

  1. Well said. I thought that I was going to be the most enlightened being by 25! Ha! It’s a life long journey and I still make silly decisions and learn from them 🙂 I guess we do that. We place ourselves in situations where we will learn from.

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